It’s Not Fair
I heard the words today that I had hoped I wouldn’t hear…
“It’s not fair.”
I was in the other room as Husband tried to console our first born. I let out a deep sigh.
“Beautiful God, help,” I prayed.
My eyes shifted from the curl I had just let bounce off the curling iron toward the ground. I stopped what I was doing and listened.
He’s at that age – out of the toddler stage, but not old enough to fully understand what we are doing. As I rounded the corner I saw his beautiful face – a face adorned with tears and cheeks red with frustration. He woke up to a living room without a TV. For a child who loves order and consistency, his world was spinning out of control. He has already watched his dog go live with someone else and his bunk beds be given away, but the TV was the last straw. He cried and Husband tried to explain, and I just slowly retreated back to curling my hair out of a sheer loss of words. My baby, my precious child, has no control of his circumstances and is sad. As Husband tells him of children who don’t have food or people who don’t have a church and how we are going to go help them, it’s as though the words go in one ear and out the other. He cannot look at the big picture – he is only focusing on the loss of that which is temporal and the pain of the moment. But then again, isn’t this true for adults too? I saw myself in him. He doesn’t do change. He likes to eat the same cereal every morning at the same time. He likes to put his toys in the same place after playing with them and he likes to sit in the same seat at the dinner table. He likes his comfortable routine and while sometimes he listens to what the Lord is calling us to, other times, his emotions take the reigns and he is left floundering in a messy puddle of sadness.
Oh my sweet son, Momma knows what your heart feels like – for I too feel this way at times. I am no longer a toddler in the faith, but I’m still not as mature as I will be. I don’t always see the big picture and I am always learning. Sometimes I feel like telling God that I don’t want to leave. Sometimes I feel like saying…
“It’s not fair.”
Can’t God ask someone else to give up everything and move instead of me? There is plenty I could do here for Him, right? I love sending my children off to school at the same time everyday and sitting down to drink my daily coffee. I like meeting with girlfriends throughout the week and I love Wednesday night church. I love to know when my Husband will be home and I like the same bedtime for our kids every night. There is something comforting about the predictable. But when I’m so focused on maintaining the predictable, how am opening up my day – my schedule – my dreams – my plans – my life – my family – to the Lord. He is God and He knows all, sees all, and knows better than I do. Why do my fight Him sometimes? Sometimes it is so hard to be obedient and sometimes it hurts when our world seems to be spinning out of control. But like our children must trust Mom and Dad and follow us as we take them to their new home and life overseas, so must we trust and follow Jesus as He leads. Sometimes His plan involves loss, but are we willing to let go of that which is temporal and give thanks regardless?
“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.” ~Romans 8:14
I want to see the supernatural. I want to be open to what the Lord wants for each day of my life and I want to be led by the Holy Spirit. If I am so determined to make my plans happen, how am I going to hear the voice of God direct my moments? I used to feel guilty for taking my children from their home, schools, and all that they love and moving them to a foreign land that is very different from the town we live in. Then today happened. I saw how my child only focused on the loss of today – the loss of our TV, and wasn’t fully understanding the amazing plans of God that are unfolding as we speak. I saw my own heart as I looked at his face and saw him crying. He is being molded and shaped and someday he will look back on today and realize it was all worth it.
My son, I too am being molded and shaped and sanctified and refined. I am already able to look back at just the past several years and see how perfectly the Lord’s plans are falling into place. He is always good, son. He loves you and you too are going to be a light to the nations! Shine, my child, shine.
The Lord has not just called my husband and myself to the nations, but He is calling our children too. Each one of them. I pray daily that the Lord will help me teach my children to suffer well and to see His joy in all circumstances. I know it’s hard for them right now, but just like God has patiently guided me through this process, so too will He give me wisdom on how to guide them. He has called my children to the mission field and He will faithfully accomplish the shaping of their delicate hearts. When I am overwhelmed, I will call upon His name and rest in Him. My prayer remains that our children will live the thrill and savor the joy of a life that is led by the Spirit.
While today was difficult, my eyes are fixed forward on the path Jesus is leading us on. I’m on my knees before Him and I’m caught up in His grace. His Word is a lamp unto my path and His joy bubbles over within. The nations are calling and souls are waiting. Heaven is cheering and God is guiding. He is all sufficient for the loss of today and He is granting wisdom as I ask for it. He is good – He is always good. Spirit lead me….Spirit lead me….Spirit lead…
“My son, pay attention to what I say;
turn your ear to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to one’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Keep your mouth free of perversity;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to thepaths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.”